Ask the Grand Poobah…

E-mail your questions to the Grand Poobah.

 

Dear Grand Poohbah,

I seem to have a stamina problem when I swim Fly. My wife says it's because it is too much like SEX. Is this True? What can I do? Is there anything I can take to help me with this problem? My wife thinks Viagra or Cialis might also help with Butterfly.?. I'm worried that it might make my teammates uncomfortable, especially on deck (& Bill might not want to share a lane anymore ... and Jim might want to!).

What can I do?

Dan with Fly Dysfunction

 

Dear Fly Boy,

Before addressing your stamina issue I’d like to get something straight between us. Now this may be hard for you to swallow, but I believe that your wife has either never seen you swim butterfly or has never seen you have sex. Because I have seen you swim butterfly and believe me, except for the bug eyed red faced panting, sex is the last thing that comes to my mind. But in all fairness I’ve never seen you have sex, at least not with your wife, so maybe I should stop by your place sometime to catch a few minutes of the action or you could just send a short video. Whatever works best for you.

As far as your shrinking stamina is concerned, it is quite common for guys your age to occasionally have a hard time keeping their head out of the water until they finish their race and this is nothing to be embarrassed about. (Well maybe a little, but I won’t go there.) Most master swimmers will try to overcome this by increasing their yardage or amount of cross training, maybe modify their diet and get a little extra rest. But of course there are always some who will resort to performance enhancing drugs and in search of a quick fix try Viagra.. While there is currently no hard evidence that erectile dysfunction drugs will improve swimming stamina, it is rumored that Maine Masters is conducting a clinical trial and is planning on exposing their results at the BU meet in December. So you may want to hold off on our own experiment until then.

In the meantime I would advise you to quit whining and cut back on popping the blue pill at home so you have the energy to drag your butt to the pool more than once a week. Your wife may not like it but we could sure use the points at the BU meet. If however you decide to run your own clinical trial I’m sure your lane mates would appreciate it if you doubled up on the Speedos or stay in the deep end.

Good luck,

GP

 

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Dear Grand Poobah,

I have always loved to swim and recently joined the local masters swim club. The organized workouts are fun but very challenging. I’m able to keep up on mostly everything but the kicking. Every time we do a kick set it is like I am going backwards.

Any advice?

      J.A.
      Cornwall, VT

 

Dear J.A.

There is one simple truth when it comes to kicking. Some people can kick and some people cannot. You evidently cannot.

I recommend that you accept your lot in life, be thankful you have arms and stop eating so much cake.

          G.P.



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To the Grand Poobah,

Hello my name is Mike, and I am severely breaststroke challenged. It is a burden I have carried since becoming an age group swimmer over 40 years ago. With the loving support of my family, many years of professional counseling and a reliable source of oxycontin, I have been able to come to grips with it and lead a relatively happy life.

The problem is that my teammates are unable or unwilling to accept my condition and recognize me for the devoted master swimmer that I am.

When I first joined the team there was the occasional snicker, the hushed remark, or the raised eyebrow. As time went on it escalated to an all out laugh fest. And most recently my teammates have taken to skipping kick boards off my head as I trail in at the end of a stroke or IM set.

Do you have any insight into how I can improve my relationship with my teammates?

        Mike in Ferrisburgh

 

Dear Mike 

I think it would be helpful if you could send a video of you swimming the breaststroke so I could determine the degree of your disability and possibly offer some recommendations to improve your stroke. I could also use a good laugh and this may be the perfect thing to pick up the old Poobah’s spirits.

Have you considered the possibility that the reaction of your teammates may have nothing to do with you breaststroke ability or lack there of. It could simply be that you were born a laughingstock and that people enjoy making fun of you!

You should be grateful that you possess such a wonderful talent and are able to bring joy and happiness to those around you. You have a special gift – cherish it.

        G.P.

 

______________________

Dear Poobah,

Why can't I swim like I did when I was 18? I train as much as ever, but I can't come anywhere close to my personal bests. I am now 35 and have 3 small kids. Do you think that has anything to do with it?

        Three-Kid Mom in Cornwall

 

Dear Three-Kid Mom,

Although you may think having kids and growing old would make you a better swimmer, actually the opposite is true. It makes you old. Old old old old old. And when I say old I mean really old. Imagine swimming against your mother back when you were in college. Now imagine you are your mother. Start to see what I mean?

Kids will also suck the life out of your youthful swimming career faster than a dried-up shammy, although they do provide a great incentive to get out of the house. My suggestion is if you really want to swim faster wear a condom. Or better yet, have your husband wear one.

        G.P.


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Dear Grand Poobah,

If three-kid-mom is "really old" at 35, I am ancient at 50. I have a shoulder injury - let's call it a condition - that means I probably can't do anything other than dog-paddle for a month or two. Will I still be welcome at MuffinTop workouts? Or should I wait until I get over it?

    --Hopeful Swan in Ferrisburgh


Dear Swan,

Some Muffintops call it dog-paddle
some call it breaststroke

some Muffintops are ancient
some are almost ancient

some Muffintops are big and round
some are not so big and round

some Muffintops have a few aches and pains
some have few more aches and pains

some Muffintops swim fast
some swim slow
some just hang on the wall and talk

all Muffintops have fun
and you are welcome to join us.

    GP

PS – you are only as ancient as you feel

 


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