Ask the Grand Poobah…
E-mail your questions to the
Grand Poobah.
Dear Grand Poobah,
I have always loved to swim and recently joined the local masters
swim club. The organized workouts are fun but very challenging. I’m able to keep
up on mostly everything but the kicking. Every time we do a kick set it is like
I am going backwards.
Any advice?
J.A.
Cornwall, VT
Dear J.A.
There is one simple truth when it comes to kicking. Some people
can kick and some people cannot. You evidently cannot.
I recommend that you accept your lot in life, be thankful you
have arms and stop eating so much cake.
G.P.
______________________
To the Grand Poobah,
Hello my name is Mike, and I am severely breaststroke challenged.
It is a burden I have carried since becoming an age group swimmer over 40 years
ago. With the loving support of my family, many years of professional counseling
and a reliable source of oxycontin, I have been able to come to grips with it and
lead a relatively happy life.
The problem is that my teammates are unable or unwilling to
accept my condition and recognize me for the devoted master swimmer that I am.
When I first joined the team there was the occasional snicker,
the hushed remark, or the raised eyebrow. As time went on it escalated to an all
out laugh fest. And most recently my teammates have taken to skipping kick boards
off my head as I trail in at the end of a stroke or IM set.
Do you have any insight into how I can improve my relationship
with my teammates?
Mike in Ferrisburgh
Dear Mike
I think it would be helpful if you could send a video of you
swimming the breaststroke so I could determine the degree of your disability and
possibly offer some recommendations to improve your stroke. I could also use a good
laugh and this may be the perfect thing to pick up the old Poobah’s spirits.
Have you considered the possibility that the reaction of your
teammates may have nothing to do with you breaststroke ability or lack there of.
It could simply be that you were born a laughingstock and that people enjoy making
fun of you!
You should be grateful that you possess such a wonderful talent
and are able to bring joy and happiness to those around you. You have a special
gift – cherish it.
G.P.
______________________
Dear Poobah,
Why can't I swim like I did when I was 18? I train as much as
ever, but I can't come anywhere close to my personal bests. I am now 35 and have
3 small kids. Do you think that has anything to do with it?
Three-Kid Mom in Cornwall
Dear Three-Kid Mom,
Although you may think having kids and growing old would make you a better swimmer,
actually the opposite is true. It makes you old. Old old old old old. And when I
say old I mean really old. Imagine swimming against your mother back when you were
in college. Now imagine you are
your mother. Start to see what I mean?
Kids will also suck the life out of your youthful swimming career faster than a
dried-up shammy, although they do provide a great incentive to get out of the house.
My suggestion is if you really want to swim faster wear a condom. Or better yet,
have your husband wear one.
G.P.
______________________
Dear Grand Poobah,
If three-kid-mom is "really old" at 35, I am ancient at 50. I have a shoulder injury
- let's call it a condition - that means I probably can't do anything other than
dog-paddle for a month or two. Will I still be welcome at MuffinTop workouts? Or
should I wait until I get over it?
--Hopeful Swan in Ferrisburgh
Dear Swan,
Some Muffintops call it dog-paddle
some call it breaststroke
some Muffintops are ancient
some are almost ancient
some Muffintops are big and round
some are not so big and round
some Muffintops have a few aches and pains
some have few more aches and pains
some Muffintops swim fast
some swim slow
some just hang on the wall and talk
all Muffintops have fun
and you are welcome to join us.
GP
PS – you are only as ancient as you feel